I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
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Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I missed you with all my darts
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
stop
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.