I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
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my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.