“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?