other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
What personal space?
My dog
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare