me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Monica just destroyed the internet
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly