Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
i- i did not expect this
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm