Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
real
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.