Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I WON A HAM TODAY
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Oh we’ve met.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.