DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
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Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
The little toadstool has spoken.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”