garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.