bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Who’s your best friend?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
This is the one
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.