My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes