Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
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Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER