I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
can’t bark with your mouth full
meanwhile over on facebook
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.