My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Smells like a challenge to me
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper