Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You Might Also Like
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.