MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
You Might Also Like
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.