I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.