… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
hear me out : pockets for your socks
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?