I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.