Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.