I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
put ‘er there pardner!
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
incredible
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up