THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..