Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
You Might Also Like
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂