In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
You Might Also Like
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*