Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL