When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
You Might Also Like
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale