[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Sunday
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?