When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Hmm, not sure about this change
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.