My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
fixed it
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs