First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.