If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
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It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.