professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Get in loser we’re going crying
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
pizza
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.