Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
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I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.