Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
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I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials