[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*