When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
This classic never gets old . . .
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.