10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
🙅🏻
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns