Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
You Might Also Like
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”