I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING