People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles