HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
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The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
when someone rings the doorbell
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said