If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
This was my dad’s browser history.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.