Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten