Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You Might Also Like
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
live long and prosper!
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.