Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!