presenting your incognito window wrapped
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Had to try this trend 😊
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…