me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
That de-escalated quickly
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!