Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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The answer is funnier than the question
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
no refunds
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.