Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!